I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a wonderful person who has low moods too. And OMG the stuff about veggies, sure veggies are great but the last thing you need is food policing from your SO, and again, veggies will not cure your depression. Don't jump to any conclusion your mind is playing tricks on you so don't let it. It was exhausting for both of us. You are more than good enough you are wonderful, no matter what you are doing, what choices youve made today. This was my college boyfriend in a nutshell. I thought I had some obligation to stay friends. He may be feeling like he is missing out on his life and it is time to get back into the single life. We spent an hour together crafting a long list of things he could do for me, with me. A Kalgoorlie-Boulder woman has been fined for trying to stop police from chasing her boyfriend who had committed an office while out drinking by standing at the entrance of an alleyway he was using to run away. I wish I could say I dumped him, but in fact what happened is we got through the sucky date, and he later told me our relationship had gotten stale, citing that fight as an example. LW you got this. At first eagerly, because I was curious. What were his biggest complaints about you during this time period where he stopped trying so hard anymore? The specific focus of the boyfriend on LWs food intake and physical exercise is major red flag. Its a hard thing to let go when youre not sure if your loved one will sink or swim, but you have to let go and let them do for themselves, or you just end up smothering them and the relationship. Sometimes we are in love with the idea of the person and it makes you so angry that they are not that person. Validation. Seriously though, people who want to help you may not always manage to do so in the right ways when they first start trying, but you have clearly told your b/f what you need, and he is ignoring your stated needs. (But again, I do think its an excellent tool to help evaluate a relationship.). Being The One Who Helps gives you a bit of power and a (falsely) elevated self-esteem. Oh, this reminds me so much of one or two friends Ive had. Heres my own take-away from my therapist: Your thoughts and your feelings are valid and welcome! Took about two years for me to believe that sentence. That said, Ive gotten him to doctors, fed him, and made sure he took his meds at his worst; Ive helped to monitor his moods and symptoms and brought changes up for his consideration when I notice changes. Cosigned. you arent going to get better if he keeps breathing down your neck.. Not only is that (a) SO VERY NOT COOL, its also (b) likely reminiscent of the very types of behaviors that led to you developing those not good enough feelings in the first place. But if he does choose to be a relationship with you, he IS obligated not to be a condescending asshole about it. Or maybe its because walking isnt competitive in any way? If you havent dug into relationship issues all that much in therapy, here is a script for bringing that up with your counseling pro: I feel like we do a lot of work in my sessions on building confidence and motivation, but when I get home my boyfriend harps on me to do better and be better, for example (give examples). like being unable to control yourself is something to be proud of. This is all controlling behavior, and maybe turning abusive. "You need to STOP chasing him immediately. I told my dude that when I dont eat I get crankier and that I need to eat and i specifically told him that if I try to get out of eating he should provide me with food. As I recovered from the depression we had a couple of myob talks about lunch time menus, weight and health (soup was a bit of a red herring here). Seriously. What can I do for them?, Im sad because the person I love is being sad at me, and it would be so much easier if they were happy. A Redditor has been slammed online for trying to dictate to their sister's boyfriend how they should eat their dinner. But as things progressed, he developed this habit of picking me up and driving me someplace without telling me where we were going, because it was a surprise. 19 times out of 20, it would be one of the handful of places we always went, but that 1 time in 20, it would be something special. The only trouble is, he was far more of a night owl than me, so these special events werent always to my taste and would keep me up hours later than I was comfortable with. In hindsight Im so glad we broke up. When your boyfriend stops showing physical affection like kissing, hugging, touching or sex, it can be a sign that he has lost romantic interest in you and is thinking of leaving. Want to have breakfast next Saturday/Catch up by Skype or phone soon? Since it sounds like your family might not be supportive, avoid them for now, and avoid all people who tend to make you feel small or sap your energy or who have the same bossy/halping tendencies as your boyfriend. Cant think of a more clear way to phrase it. Certainly housework affects him, but what LW eats and how much she exercises doesnt. The difference between this dude and the dudes I know, though, is that when the dudes I know were told to stuff a sock in it because they were coming across all doomy and demanding, they did. Feeling bad when you are in a stressful situation doesnt make you bad, it makes you normal. The Captains comment, For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them) especially rings true for me. They're Cold To You And more than. Or will. Do you want me to smack your hand when you reach for the chips? is toxic and controlling, and this: Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard., It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. As usual, the Captain gives excellent, clear scripts. Being badgered about food choices and exercise choices isnt going to help the LW build good habits. My partner trusted me about what was going on in my own body, even when it was weird and new and disturbing, and he didnt push me. That is how that behaviour makes me feel. NO. Reasonable. Was there a specific moment where things changed, or were they gradual just something small at first but now taking up all of his time so he doesnt have any left for you anymore? And if its sunny then thats even better because I may have seasonal affective disorder (working on finding out with doctor) and the bright sunlight is just wonderful for my mood. Sadly, I would not be surprised if he saw outcome 1 as being necessary for the LW to be happy and healthy or at least how he self justifies wanting the LW to return to the passive role that they played in the relationship while they grappled with their depression and lack of confidence. until I stop caring. If it were me five years ago, when my self esteem was non-existent, and I were reading this comment thread, my heart would be sinking to my shoes at the very notion of a breakup, because I dont want to be alone for life and who could ever love me again if I screw this up? And will often ask if I want icecream instead He might also benefit from seeing a therapist or counsellor himself to get some help supporting you. Im so disappointed in you. That means I dont want to run my food intake by you any more., To be absolutely clear, you should not have to justify any of this, and you are not the one making it weird by setting boundaries here. Soup kitchens. Tell your boyfriend once that you've noticed that he stopped sending text messages. A lot of writing (calling, whatever) to advice people seems to be this. Love is out there girls, just make sure you are attentive and smart when it comes to a long distance roller coaster ride. You see, even though neither of us is a terrible person and we both had really good intentions and cared for each other, we had gotten into a deep pattern of being good for each other (even though we werent) and supporting [Partner] (even though we werent) and staying together because we needed that (even though we didnt). Very well said. He'd make you feel special by giving you his undivided attention during these conversations. Bliss. She will ask me to do things like remove sharp objects from her living space, check in to make sure shes eating, wake her up in the morning when shes unlikely to get up on her own, phone her psychiatrist to give info/updates about how shes doing, and so on. He really thought he was helping by being logic- and reason-focused to the point that he would ignore and/or belittle anything I said about how I wanted to be treated unless I could back it up with logic. We help each other a ton: I carry the groceries and he holds me and listens when I need it. Like others have mentioned, its super uncool and scary when people use logic and reason as an excuse to ignore other peoples feelings, but when they do that, they also ignore the fact that feelings are real factors that need to be taken into consideration. Make lifestyle changes to ensure you're getting enough sleep, eating healthy diet, and exercising regularly. I needed therapy, not just support, and his well-meaning attempts to get me active were grating and undermining to me. As a result, I let him pick most of our destinations for dates, because I wasnt going to invite him someplace and then push him to pay for me. Stop. Its also almost impossible to judge a situation from one account one letter, in this instance. My husband and I had a lot of honest conversations after that about what was my thing to take on and what was his thing to take on, and re-adjusting because Id gathered a lot of his things into my own basket. (Of course, theyre the first ones to ask Well why didnt she leave? Similarly, she may love him and think he is perfect, if he only didnt do XYZ. I 100 million percent second this. 2. Whether its work, school, friends, or something else entirely that is causing him so much stress and concern that he cant even find the time to put in at least some kind of minimal effort for his girlfriend, put yourself in his shoes and be understanding. Have you read about the accountant who had a brain tumor? But that partnership is one weve negotiated and practiced over the years. Because Reasons? its one of the downsides of having a toddler he still needs decent meals to function at anything like a survivable level. , Become a copyeditor, buy a classic motorcycle thats been garaged since Trudeau was PM . This was more the province of all the callow youths back in college defending obviously indefensible positions for the sake of argument. He is not playing Logick Master, he is just trying to figure out if things make freakin sense. Ikind of feel like a great, positive life change that will help combat depression is getting this dude the hell away from where you are, OP. This isnt sustainable. I feel like the most charitable view of your boyfriend is maybe someone who doesnt understand depression very well (though who knows, he may even have had first hand experience but its a mental illness that everyone experiences vastly differently) and has absorbed all the messages of exercise releases serotonin and Good Hormones so it is the Natural Cure! Absolutely. So, I thought about it and suggested I could go buy him a bunch of veggies he likes and he could randomly munch on those when he had cravings. 7 Strategies You Can Use To Make Him Fall In LoveEven If He Has Started To Pull Away! Ive seen it with Dan Savage, Dear Prudence, and lots of other people who offer advice in various forms of media. Again, fine line. Ive seen this shaming from the peanut gallery even in dating relationships. Focusing on changing someone allows wounds to fester. Knowing why he stopped making an effort will help you in making the right decision. If he only does that with yours, thats not being logical, thats being a dick. I think he has a lot of ideas about how this is affecting him, directly. Focus on your own emotional, spiritual, and physical health. He used to love spending time with you and he always had a smile on his face when the two of you were together. I usually agree with our captain, but this time I see all those scripts as an exercise in trying to change him into a reasonable boyfriend even as hes trying to change you into someone who eats her vegetables. Reasonable. He used to be the one who cheered you up when you were down, but now he is also always in a bad mood. Maybe your boyfriend can learn different ways of responding to you and learn how to respect your stated wishes without requiring to justify them. I think thats a great suggestion. LW, if you want the thoughts of a former terrible girlfriend, mine are: Your boyfriend isnt concerned about you. A lot of times he may have hinted you before that there was something that bothered him. Him: Im disappointed that you arent trying to improve your diet the way I said. You: NOT YOUR CALL.. I thought we were going to back off on this thing where you are my trainer., What did you eat when I was out of town? Dont really have a list, but it was delicious. After a couple of years of therapy a light bulb clicked on over my head that I surprise! Low self-esteem. You are doing FINE. If your social group feels patch and thin, take steps to meet new people. Hindsight, sigh. Or maybe your boyfriend hasnt really been invested from the beginning and what seemed like an effort on his part was simply because he felt obliged to try since you gave him such strong signals early on. Scrolling through my phone. Walking is much better for me, sure it isnt strenuous (seriously, WTF????) When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. Tell your boyfriend that you feel scared and rejected when he doesn't call or text, because you're worried he's not interested anymore (if that's how you feel). I have to consciously remind myself sometimes that feelings are allowed because I would like life better if I could reason them away, or at the very least put them in a box labeled This feeling serves X purpose. But this very desire means I know how nonsensical my own brain can be when it comes to why I feel what I feel, so I cant fathom trying to turn that analysis onto someone else as if I know how to solve someone elses feelingsbraincomplex. Going from being in a rough place to feeling better is a huge accomplishment, but it can be a tender one too. If youre not into cooking, make a weekly date to try new restaurants in the neighborhood. Nothing is good enough. It doesnt matter what a partner is interested in controlling, your food intake, your hairstyle, how much work you do, how much sleep you get; when theyre trying to control you and cannot seem to be redirected, it is time to take the advice of the Doctor. One more reason for doing so, as soon as its possible. Look, Im sure there are people out there who respond to tough love or whatever bullshit he thinks he is doing, but frankly, Ive never met someone struggling with depression and low self-esteem who did. Belittling my feelings. That looks like progress to me.. Attend an anger management program with a trained instructor. Hey, when I say, I did X! and you say, Great! The goalposts will keep moving. And I think thats something a lot of people have trouble with, especially when they have an idea of how the right way to be is (Ive noticed that people who tend to be rational often have trouble with this that other people make decisions that they would not make and other people have reasons for those decisions that are just as real as their reasons for doing something different). A complicating factor is that there was probably a time when it was comforting to you for your boyfriend to be in that caretaker role and to have him believe so strongly in your power to change, back there during the worst of it. He immediately misses you. Its a bit like regaining your sense of smell after a bad cold: not the sign that youre fully healed, but you are going to be ok. I guarantee you it will only get worse. Encouragement works so much better than harping on all the ways you could be doing more. I dont want to read too far into this, but how is LWs boyfriend? I dont know though. In some cases, thats true. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. Eating is a big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky. Being supportive is hard. My (23 F) boyfriend (25 M) has stopped showering during lockdown and for the past 2 months has only been spraying Febreze on himself. We have no investment in that relationship, we dont feel the love they share. So, stop trying to control theirs and focus on what you can controlyour own behavior and responses. . And because he had explained all this, if I wasnt working out enough, he didnt feel heard.. The Silent Treatment is a HUGE red flag for me. I might even be texting a new girl nothing that crosses the line, but maybe dipping my toes in the water. This, again, is part of why we dont have a good relationship). 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